When Pain Turns to Purpose - Fitness Incentive

“After the loss of Landon, I would constantly hear different comments like, “You’re so strong,” “I don’t know how you do it,” etc. These couldn’t be more false. I wore my grief. I wore it all over my body.”

Madison Delfaus

When Pain Turns to Purpose.

Grief comes in all different forms. Food was my comfort. I loved the idea of feeling “full” because it was the closest feeling I had to being 8 1/2 months pregnant; that was the time I lost my first son, Landon.

It’s so crazy to say, right? Feeling full made me feel full. It led to the heaviest I ever was. Throwing toxins into my body, not knowing they were making my mindset and grief worse.

After the loss of Landon, I would constantly hear different comments like, “You’re so strong,” “I don’t know how you do it,” etc. These couldn’t be more false. I wore my grief. I wore it all over my body. There is no greater loss than the loss of your child. My husband and I were just babies ourselves, burying our baby.

What the next three years brought on were,

8 weeks severe miscarriage
2 rounds of full IVF
3 embryo transfers
A twin pregnancy
Losing a twin at 20 weeks
C-section delivery to a perfect baby boy
18 months later, another C-section delivery of a perfect baby girl.
All. While. Grieving.

To say it puts a toll on your body mentally, physically, and emotionally is an understatement.

I wish I did things differently; I wish I didn’t find comfort in the most harmful way, throwing poison into my body and, throwing a smile on my face and pretending it was okay. I was over it and had to change. I have two beautiful, healthy babies to kiss good night. What kind of mom would I be if I can’t portray a healthy lifestyle for my children?

I signed up at Fitness Incentive like I did every other gym, but this one was different. The day I met Jourdan, we just clicked. Her energy was infectious. Our first training session was the day I actually spoke all the words I am now writing out. For the very first time, I told her everything. My addiction to food, the way I loved feeling “heavy” because it made me feel pregnant (it truly sounds so messed up, but unless you go through it, it’s the last feeling besides shock, and a gut punch, that I had).

She taught me how to manage my food and how to enjoy life without overdoing it. How to love myself while I was still broken on the inside. She took her time to explain to me what macros were and helped me understand what I should be fueling my body with before and after workouts.

It’s not just Jourdan; it’s the entire Fitness Incentive community. The bond and family vibe that I feel when I walk in every day makes me feel safe, loved, welcomed, strong, and confident. I joined in March 2024, which was six months ago. In six months, I lost 31 lbs. and a shell of grief. I feel happier, sharper, stronger, and lighter, not weight-wise, but mentally and emotionally lighter. The biggest change I’ve seen in myself has nothing to do with my appearance but my self-love, which means everything. For the first time in a long time, I love my inner self and feel whole again – that’s not something I could have done without Jourdan and the entire Fitness Incentive community. They helped give me my life back, they helped give me my confidence back, and they made me a better version of myself. I am forever grateful for everyone there.